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the apartment is not warm enough
yesterday's rum n coke rising up in your throat
portishead's angel heaving through the speakers;
you know you should make your [[bed->bed]] but
you are too [[lonely->the grandsocial]] to be [[responsible->door]]him, [[materialising->blow]] within your bedsheets
[[dampness on your legs->sweat]]
the [[apartment->home]] doesn't feel so cold [[now->nighttime]]
there are secrets in the nighttime
secrets like 'twenty days isn't enough to form a meaningful
bond with [[someone->someone]]'
or
'it took me 1.5h to drink that guinness
because i was [[s c a r e d->the grandsocial]]'
or
'guinness tastes like a baby threw up in a bowl of
curdled milk'you order a guinness — when in rome, as they say
and sit at the bar and it is ninety whole minutes listening to other people's voices (too loud, too shrill, too crass)
they say the irish are friendly
but you know it is not unless they want [[something->cocaine]] from you
you can say this about most people
you suppose nobody wants anything from you [[tonight->blow]], because you spent one and a half hours sitting alone
nursing that guinness
he comes, a few minutes late, and finds you
[[blowing->good girl]] smoke
out of your wet nose
you regard him warily but he
smiles
speaks
softly
and somehow you have never known such [[warmth->bathtub]] in your lifeit is not [[warm->home]] enough [[outside->outside]]
you think about peeling your layers off
like swaths of skin
he thinks about [[peeling your layers off->cocaine]]
like the girl he met in west berlin
rain melts in your [[hair->bathtub]]
you think about your apartment
the warm lights, the portishead cd
the scrabble tiles sprinkled on the fur rug
[[the water sears->sweat]]
your back against his chest
i don't have a tub at home, [[he says->someone]]
you don't have a tub [[at home->home]]
can we get some blow? you ask
yes, he answers
hazel pools behind glass
girls should not get into cabs with strangers
but you do anyway
he calls you a [[good girl->good girl]]this means you are doing a good job
you should keep doing [[it->door]]
you like him so much you can't breathe
or [[tell him->nighttime]]
then you [[fall asleep->bed]]
so many things unsaid
[[bubbling->bathtub]] in your headsomebody is at the door
this is [[easy->easy]], you think
you like him because he [[suffers->nighttime]] for politics
believes in the gulag
you like being his bird
clipped wings, hair in a towel
[[waiting for him to buzz in->home]]it is so easy for you to be loved
infinitely easier here than at [[home->home]]
where your black hair is foreign
your accent perplexing
your body small enough to [[break->broken]]you cannot tell if you are sweating
sitting in hot water
are your [[eyes->blue]] sweatinghis eyes hurt to look at;
too bright
too blue
too [[broken->broken]]
so you board the plane with the suitcase that has a hole in it
14 hours of being, not really
you don't know why you came [[here->home]] in the first place